Chapter nineteen

Richie woke up next to Sarah, she was stretched out under the sheet, still asleep. Her arm was up next to her head, resting her cheek against her bicep. He watched her for a few minutes, like he always did, he liked to see her so relaxed and knowing she was naked under the sheet.

Carefully he lifted the sheet and peeked under. He loved her body, her long legs but not too long so she was still shorted than him. Her waistline, her belly, all up to her chest, all perfect according to him.

He let go of the sheet and looked up, also perfect and still asleep. He moved a little closer and turned to his side, letting a hand slide under the sheet, finding skin to touch. Another thing he loved about her, the feel of her skin, so soft.

Sarah stirred when his fingers started stroking over her side.

Richie watched her face closely to see if she was going to open her eyes or not.

After a minute or two Sarah did open her eyes and looked at Richie next to her, propped up on his elbow, smiling at her.

“Were you watching me sleep again?” She asked.
“Of course I was, you look pretty when you sleep.” He answered with a soft smile.

Sarah smiled back up at him.

Richie leaned down so he was leaning over her. When he kissed her, he rolled on top of her, chest to chest, resting on his elbows above her. Richie knew what he was doing.

As soon as he did, Sarah pulled away from his kiss, turning her face to the wall. Why was he doing this?

Softly, he stroked a finger over her jaw but Sarah pulled away from his touch.

“Sarah?” He asked gently, soothing.
“You know I don’t like this.” Sarah said in a very quiet, powerless voice.

Maybe she should have told him why she didn’t like it.

“Because Jonathan raped you this way.” Richie said gently as he watched Sarah press her eyes closed tightly but she couldn’t stop a tear from falling.

He felt horrible and knew it was his doing but she had to confront it and leave the past behind her.

“Then why are-?” Her voice cracked before she could go on.
Richie held on to her and rolled them both to their sides. “Because this is you and me. You need to burn Jonathan’s bridge.” He said just as gently. “I love you Sarah, that’s why he needs to go so your memories can stop haunting you.”

Sarah’s eyes were still closed but she wasn’t turning away anymore.

Richie reached out and wiped away the tears that had dropped from her eyes. “Open your eyes sweetie.” He said gently.
Sarah shook her head.

How could he do that, and then knowingly make it worse by saying it? She never wanted to hear his name, much less, be reminded about everything that had happened. Forgetting was one thing she couldn’t do and the thing she most wanted to do but so many things reminded her of everything.

“Please?” He added, stroking her jaw again.

Slowly, Sarah opened her eyes.

Richie saw the sadness that took away the bright emerald shine, he knew he had done that. “I love you.” He said softly, not knowing what else to say anymore. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything at all but he could see the past was still hurting her. She had come a long way and he was proud of that but there was a long way to go too. He shouldn’t have said anything. What if he scared her off now?

If he loved her, why did he to that? If he knew it reminded her of rape, then why did he do it?

“As long as he’s in your memories, he’ll be there to remind you of it all. You need to burn that bridge so he can’t do that anymore.” He tried again.

Sarah still wouldn’t meet his eyes, she looked down at his chest, she didn’t want to see him right now.

Richie didn’t know what more to do; he only meant to help her move on. He didn’t say any more and watched her, waiting and hoping for a reaction. Hoping she’d understand he didn’t mean it in a bad way.

Why did he keep talking like he was there? Actually, physically there, it made her even more uncomfortable. She pulled the sheets up to her chin and tightly around her. She wanted to go put clothes on but she couldn’t or didn’t want to move, she was still figuring out what he meant.

Burning bridges, what did he mean? She couldn’t confront it, after ten years it was all still too real. Blocking it out was easier than getting past it and moving on.

Was that really what she needed to do?

“Do you still love me or did I fuck it up now?” He shouldn’t have said anything, should have kept his mouth shut.

She wasn’t ready and he was pushing her.

Sarah’s eyes flashed up at him, seeing regret in his eyes. “What?” How could he even think that? “Of course I still love you.”

As soon as she said it, she could see relief in his eyes. Would he really think her feelings would change so quickly.

Richie nodded softly, like he wasn’t sure yet.

“I do.” Sarah said.
“I just wanna help you, you need to work on this.” He said.
“I need to work on it?” She asked astonished.
“Yes, so you can accept it, leave it in the past and move on.” He continued.
“I need to accept? Maybe you need to accept…” She didn’t know what he should accept.
“What?” He asked defensively.
“Whatever you need to accept.” Picking up the sheet, she turned around, away from him.

Richie turned to his back with a big sigh. What the hell did just happen? Shouldn’t have said a thing, he thought.

Sarah wrapped the sheet around her and got up, pulling the whole sheet with her, leaving Richie naked in the bed as she went to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, Sarah closed the toilet lid and sat down.

How did he get to decide what she should do?

Richie got up and found some clothes, then phoned room service for breakfast, he was going to wait her out. He’d let her cool down, then see if he could explain what he meant to say, if she’d let him.



After ten minutes room service arrived and Richie set out the food on the table.

Once everything was set he went to knock on the bathroom door.

“Sarah?”
“Don’t you have something to go do or something?” She asked annoyed and angry.
“Yeah, shopping, visit some castle, maybe a restaurant later.” He said seriously.

Sarah didn’t answer him. Did he think he was being funny? After he told her to work on accepting and getting over her past, he thought he’d be funny?

She had accepted what happened, it had happened but she couldn’t forget it. It haunted her in the tiniest places. It was always there to remind her of everything  that had happened and everything he had done to her. She couldn’t forget.

“Sarah?” Sounded again a few minutes later.

Sarah still didn’t answer him, she was thinking about what he had said. She wished she could leave it in the past and move on.

“Sarah, I just don’t want you to be scared of me.” He said to the door.

Inside the bathroom Sarah stood up with her sheet and walked to the door.

“I don’t want you to think of him when we’re together.” He continued. “I don’t think that’s selfish, is it?” He asked.

When she didn’t answer, he added, “right, you’re not talking to me,” and lowered himself to the floor to sit against the door.

Without either of them knowing, Sarah did the same on the other side of the door.

“In fact, I don’t want you to ever think about him.” Richie sighed.

So did Sarah.

“I don’t want you to think of those things, you’ve been through enough.”

Tears started to form in her eyes again.

“I want you to forget so he can’t hurt you anymore.” He added.
“I can’t.” She finally said something, again, her voice sounded very low and weak.
“Yes you can, by replacing those memories by good ones. That’s why I did it, so you’d see me, not him.” He finally got to explain his actions.

Richie could hear her sob inside; he sighed. “Honey, I want to hold you right now.”

Sarah scrambled to her feet and opened the door, making Richie tumble backwards.

He quickly moved to stand up and wrap his arms around her. “I’m so sorry sweetie. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't stick to you pace, I’m sorry.” He hugged her tight.

Sarah sobbed against him.

“Tell me what to do to make it better?” He asked gently

Sarah shook her head and wrapped her arms around him. That was all she wanted.